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6 strategies when narcissists won’t let you go

Beware of narcissists trying to vacuum you up. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many will not let you go, even when they are the ones who left the relationship, and even when they are with a new partner. They will not accept a “no”.

They aspire in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or remain friends after a breakup or divorce. Research showed that narcissists and psychopaths tend to remain friends with their ex for selfish reasons. They try to stay in your life or seduce you and convince you to come back. They will do whatever it takes to lure you back.

This behavior is called vacuuming after the famous Hoover vacuum cleaner, because when you finally break free from the abusive relationship, you get sucked in again.

Be prepared for a bait and switch maneuver. Being skilled manipulators, narcissists know their vulnerabilities.

They appeal to their emotions with cries for help, romantic gestures, messages or cards or gifts on important dates or anniversaries. They try to seduce you with financial support, feigned compassion, pleading, jealousy, sex, loving words, or promises of reform. They can send veiled messages through social media posts, organize “serendipitous” encounters at their local venues, or employ “flying monkeys” – friends and family – to bid on their behalf. When that doesn’t work, they use threats, guilt, and shame to wear you down.

If you still love or care for your ex and are hopeful that the relationship can improve, you are vulnerable to being absorbed again. Victims of violence return frequently, only to be abused again. Do not be fooled. If you stay strong, they might show their true colors and go on the attack.

Why Narcissists Hoover

Narcissists who are motivated by power are game players, and this is just another power game. So aiming is completely predictable, because for narcissists relationships are transactional. They lack empathy and the ability to see yourself as a separate human being. Instead of wanting a relationship for sentimental reasons, they are on their own, seeking access to resources, such as sex, money, information, status, or love. His impetus is pragmatic and his own dependence.

They need your narcissistic supply. Their fragile ego needs constant comfort and attention to avoid feeling its inner emptiness, like a vampire sucking the blood of its victims, and they need many. Male narcissists, in particular, can switch from one woman to another in search of validation and / or sex.

Also, if it was not your decision to leave, you cannot tolerate rejection. Due to their underlying shame and insecurity, they find it humiliating. Instead of accepting that you “quit”, they go on the offensive and “fire” you. Similarly, they often spread lies by murdering your character and turning family and friends against you to elevate yourself in the eyes of others.

Once they are gone, to regain their self-esteem and power, they may try to win it back. Just knowing that you think of them or that you will talk to them soothes their wounded ego. If he comes back, as soon as they feel safe, they will belittle him or break up to reverse the narrative.

To do

Vacuuming can be very harmful. Narcissists mistake you for lies and distortions to fool you for their own ends. It perpetuates the narcissistic abuse you have endured. Due to the dynamics of the previous relationship, you can easily be persuaded by false promises, gestures, fears or threats if you do not accept them, or you can succumb to shame and guilt because you have made yourself feel so unworthy and lucky. have your ex back in your life. Their vulnerability increases through the bond with the trauma, which makes it very difficult to leave an abuser.

  • The best way to deal with hovering is to ignore it. No contact protects you and helps you recover from a breakup. That includes not looking at photos or social media accounts of your ex. A narcissist can escalate aspiration and then lose interest after a while, only to reappear a year or more later when needed.
  • If you have to communicate, for example, you have business affairs or children in common, become a gray stone. This removes any incentive for a narcissist to pursue you romantically. Ideally, communicate only in writing. Stay to the point, be brief and impersonal, and don’t laugh or smile at his jokes or attempts to flirt and cajole him.
  • Be careful to romanticize your ex or romanticize the relationship. Arm your psyche not to fall in love with false expressions of love, seduction, or lies about yourself and the relationship. Remember your unhappiness and any abuse you have suffered.
  • It is important to extract the truth from the lies so that you learn to trust yourself again and do not question your own perceptions. Resist any attempt to distort the past. Write a story about what really happened and why you weren’t happy.
  • Get professional help to restore your self-confidence and heal post-traumatic stress disorder and wounds from your relationship and those that were triggered in your childhood.
  • Write down your feelings about the narcissist’s behavior and associate them with family members and memories from your past. If you can make a connection, when you miss your ex, switch your mind to your childhood feelings.
  • Remember that narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist will not change for you and certainly not without years of focused therapy. You must put yourself first and raise your self-esteem.

    © DarleneLancer 2021

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